What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 03:24
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Do guys ever want to suck a dick even though they are straight?
So, i spoilt her more .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Would this be the day?
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I was seconnd youngest,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What does it mean when someone says "I'm feeling frisky"?
My family never makes their pension either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
How do I build rapport with anybody?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
What did i know ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why should the law care about what I do behind closed doors?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She married twice! .
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My life is so biszare .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ive learnt so much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it wasn’t much.
Who then, do I blame.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She was in good health!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Comes on , in middle age.
When she asked me how she looked .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
It was going to be , some day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We all went to grammer schools
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im still living with it.
I have no regrets .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
She found it foreign!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I waited trembling.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.